News Default Swap response to COVID-19

As a valued member of our satirical business news community, I want to update you regarding the measures News Default Swap (NDS) is taking in response to COVID-19 as the health and safety of our NDS community remain our top priority.

It is imperative that you perceive that NDS is taking tangible steps to help protect you from COVID-19.

This is why we are sending an email newsletter the leads off with this message. We pretend to care and so should you.

Despite overwhelming evidence that the outbreak will worsen, NDS feels it is sensible to only take action once it is too late.

History has shown us that proactive measures cost much less and are more effective. However, it is much easier to respond once it is too late, as no response is required once it is too late to do anything.

To help in an unproductive way, we offer the following headlines that provide minimum exposure to contagious laughter:

• S&P 500 drops to unprecedented level not seen since January 2019

• “This is a great buying opportunity, don’t miss out” says Casket Brokers Association

• The Organization of Paper Product Exporting Companies (OPPEC) engages in price war, cuts shit ticket supply

• Annoying co-workers encouraged to self-isolate “out of an abundance of caution”

• Introvert productivity and happiness skyrockets during 14-day self-isolation period

As the situation with COVID-19 continues to evolve, we will remain vigilant in our monitoring and response and may revise our policies moving forward to patronize you as much as possible with condescending best practices you are sure to ignore by June.