Bank of Canada announces new asset purchase program: your old gold jewelry

OTTAWA, ON – The Bank of Canada announced another asset purchase program in the fight to curtail continued economic losses from by the global pandemic caused by COVID-19.

In addition to the Corporate Bond Purchase Program (CBPP) and the Provincial Bond Purchase Program (PBPP), Canada’s central Bank plans to announce the Used Gold Purchase Program (UGPP).

“Maintaining sufficient liquidity in the markets remains imperative as we navigate this recovery and UGPP is another nugget in our monetary policy jewelry box,” explained a Bank of Canada official.

In order to help roll out the program, the BoC secured a number of television ad spots airing between 11pm and 1am EST.

“We don’t want people to worry about missing the advertisements so we demanded the volume of the ad be 1.5x the volume of the previous commercial,” explained another official.

The Bank indicates they will accept all used gold whether it’s from old necklaces, wristwatches or earrings as this opportunity is too good to pass up.

Most importantly, the Bank says they will pay you on the spot with cash – no questions asked. These details will also be duplicated in various print advertisements in large, yellow, bolded letters.